Marriage is Dialectics

Successful couples learn to engage in negation, preservation, and elevation.

Just when you start to feel the heat of anger, preparing to puff out your chest or dig in your heels to retaliate, you must take a moment to find the space. In that space, you can discover the strength to love harder, a precondition to behaving in a way your partner can mirror.

Marriage is a continuous process of transformation and renewal. Whether one thinks opposites attract or birds of a feather flock, the fact of pluralism means no two people are alike. It is in the dynamics of difference that successful marriage proceeds.

If one partner fails to change, there can be no renewal and, therefore, no unity.

Before marriage, one is conditioned to think of oneself as an individual with preferences, perspectives, and boundaries. This is perfectly natural, even in the ancient context of the tribe, where individuated selves were more blurred due to collective interdependence and familial ties.

Even in the tribe, though, there must be specialization. One man is a hunter while another is a shaman. One woman is a priestess while another is a gatherer. Children are raised into tribe roles based on their dispositions and aptitudes, which differ from one to the next.

When two distinct individuals marry, they undertake something difficult: a union. The nuptials are the easy part because announcing their commitment to unity marks the first step of an ongoing process. And it takes work.

We know that work offers gifts, which we call the Joys of Engagement.

In the language of dialectics, the couple strives for sublation. Sublation (Aufhebung) is a key concept in Hegelian philosophy that describes a specific type of transformation in which a dynamic is simultaneously negated, preserved, and elevated.

Sublation, therefore, has three interconnected meanings:

• To cancel or negate. The original form or stage is overcome and left behind. Old contradictions or limitations are resolved. Both spouses shed something.

• To preserve. Essential elements from the previous stage are retained and incorporated rather than discarded. Both spouses keep something.

• To elevate or lift up. The process results in something qualitatively higher or more developed than what came before. Both spouses ascend spiritually.

Individuated, highly developed egos have membranes, that is, porous borders. The egos let in influences and ejects patterns as waste. With interpersonal dialectics—as with organic molecules—the couple either bounces or bonds.

The Observers call bouncing “reaction.”
The Observers call bonding “catalyzation.”

A marriage cannot endure continuous reactions, not only because reactions can be explosive, but because reactions represent a failure to bond. The couple must learn to integrate. That means change must occur in the continuous interaction between the two egos. Change involves leaving aspects of one’s ego behind (in sacrifice), preserving other elements (in boundaries), and reassembling what one takes on board such that, together, the couple ascends (in re-union).

Evolutionary transformation continues to strengthen the couple.

Thus, a successful marriage requires ongoing dialectics of renewal and integration. Success starts with a committed willingness to change, and that willingness must overcome the petulant demands of one's ego.

What does this look like in practice?'

Usually, it means that one partner challenges the other in his or her ego by expressing a need that he or she requires the other to fill, or a change one partner perceives the other to make. Of course, bossy, abusive, or authoritarian behavior cuts deeply. Instead of catalyzing change, the spouse invites the other to thicken or close off his or her egoic membrane. It can be painful to experience the message that one is inadequate, excessive, or otherwise off-putting. It can feel like an attack.

The key, therefore, is to practice communication after time in the space.

The space is a place of centeredness, which we have referred to as equipoise. Centeredness is a recurring theme and one of our order's twelve primary virtues. Only in centeredness can one find the space. And only in the space can one ask oneself how to communicate with one’s spouse in a manner that invites bonding over bouncing.

There will always be bouncing, of course. Couples disagree. It’s unavoidable. But it’s also unsustainable. The couple’s bonding method starts with one partner finding the strength to control his reaction. Eventually, the other partner must mirror that effort. If one partner cannot learn to sit within the space (find equipoise)—to realign between stimulus and response (following Viktor Frankl)—he will continue being reactive.

Again, this is not sustainable.

Remember also that one spouse is likely to be more receptive (feminine) and the other more penetrative (masculine), even among non-traditional couples. And this doesn’t always align with biological sex. But as Jung reminds us, there is a little of the feminine and the masculine in the animus and the anima, and vice versa.

Strong, independent-minded spouses of either sex must learn to be more deferential, though not to excess.

Patient, deferential spouses of either sex must learn to be more assertive and boundary-oriented, though not to excess.

Such practices are not meant to create perfect equality along every dimension of life. Instead, they help the partners discover healthy patterns in their respective stewardship and specialization domains as they build together. Each grows into his or her respective roles so that both can continue in unity.

As a spouse, one’s primary job is to encourage the other and expect reciprocity. That doesn’t mean one should reinforce a partner’s oppressive, abusive, or irresponsible behavior. It is about mutual uplift and co-evolution, for healthy spiritual ascendence.

Such begins in seeking understanding from one’s spouse, even if one has to take a punch or two initially. Paradoxically, strength in marriage is not standing up to your spouse or being willing to punch back. Instead, it lies in the discipline to invite the other person in to be heard, seen, or understood, even if that requires short-term sacrifice or willingness to suspend emotional counterstrikes.

One might offer a diplomatic apology while feeling no genuine contrition upon self-examination. Such an approach assumes self-reflection from the moment one senses an affront. Instead of indignantly asking why one’s partner is attacking, try to discover what might have prompted the spouse’s animus. Sometimes, apologizing or being willing to forgive quickly when one’s partner is contrite can defuse conflict. Such an approach invites the other party to mirror the other in seeking understanding and hopefully realize sublation.

There are ways to apologize without self-deception. For example, one can say he is sorry that his words or how he used them made his spouse feel attacked, rejected, or diminished. Assuming he truthfully didn’t want to make his spouse feel those ways, he is operating with integrity. Sometimes the delivery, not the message, causes conflict.

When one partner tries to improve communication and understanding but the other partner doesn't respond in kind, the cooperative partner should keep making an effort until they can motivate their partner to mirror. Ultimately, however, mirroring is reciprocal. So if strength and discipline remain a one-way street despite one’s best efforts, the prospect of mirroring-then-integration eventually dissolves.

There are no guarantees.

There is only the truth that a sustainable, successful marriage is a give-and-take based on the mutually developed disposition to love harder when loving is hardest, followed by the adoption of healthy changes that allow for mutual evolution.

Thus, marriage is an ongoing process of dialectics, as a couple seeks to renew their unity under the blood moon.