Surrounding Yourself With Light

As you move toward your aspirational self, you have to find the people who help you on a path of psycho-spiritual annealing.

You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.

It’s painfully cliche at this point. But like stereotypes, cliches exist for a reason. In the quest for personal development, the company we keep shapes us powerfully—for better or worse.

For example, if I seem half bitter and agitated, half nostalgic and soulful, it’s because I have three kids. So, I guess that leaves two other adult influences to catapult me to Buffet’s success or Gandalf’s wisdom—neither of which will be sufficient.

Did I mention I have three kids?

Surrounding yourself with light is about mindfully curating those you bring closest to you—within reason. Curate:

• Social circles to align with those who are uplifting and constructive;

• Media consumption to sharpen your wit and bring you inspiration;

• Mentoring relationships that will challenge you to grow rather than stagnate.

One thing that’s always worried me is that my work comes across as a self-help pabulum. God help me if I hear one more mention of “vulnerability.” Just as Robert Greene has cornered the market on Machiavellianism, Brené Brown has cornered the market on authentic sharing.

But I get it.

We’re social creatures. We thrive on interaction, collaboration, and community. And we need to be loved. So, I want to avoid either Chicken Soup for the Midwit Soul or Better Office Backbiting from Cluster-B Business Strategists.

At least both tropes acknowledge that negative interactions can poison your day. In turn, such interactions may cause you to poison another’s day. When it happens repeatedly, negative chain reactions mean you might become someone others wish to avoid—and not even realize it. A dark being.

The goal is not just to surround yourself with ennobling people. Try to become part of others’ chosen five because they can see the light in you, which means you gotta radiate to be among the light-bringers.

Constructive people encourage you to stretch your limits, challenge your beliefs, and support your ambitions—illuminating a path to your aspirational self in a continuous process of becoming. They’re not going to bullshit you or puff you up if you don’t deserve it. Instead, they will help the sometimes painful process of psycho-spiritual annealing.

But how do we find these beacons of positivity?

Look for individuals who possess infectious enthusiasm but in a consistent pattern. These are folks who see challenges as opportunities. They also tend to be thankful for what they have, whatever they have. And most importantly, they are keen to celebrate others’ successes—like a proud grandparent would a grandchild. They are utterly devoid of envy, and they’re usually the ones who offer assistance without hesitation.

• When you need it most, they offer encouragement.

• When you need it most, they offer critique.

• When you need it most, they offer empathy.

In contrast, a lot of people dwell in negativity. They are quick to criticize, slow to praise, and view life through a lens of scarcity, competition, or despair. Such relationships can be draining. While it does little good to harbor ill will towards this type, you will do well to distance yourself from them.

Still, creating a light circle is an intentional process that takes time.

It’s not always easy to transition people in and out, either. It requires trial and error, as well as discovering and nurturing relationships with those who challenge you in healthy ways. They must contribute to your well-being and you to theirs. This doesn't mean you should only associate with people who agree with you or who are like-minded. Diversity in thought and experience is crucial for growth, but the underlying current should be constructive and unified.

Surrounding yourself with positive influences is not an experience of passive absorption. It's reciprocal. You have to practice putting out similar energy to attract it. Simply put: to attract a light circle, you have to be a light. This means being a source of constructive support, offering help without expectation of immediate return, and celebrating others’ successes.

This creates an ecosystem of mutual uplift.

In practice, aligning yourself with uplifting people might mean joining groups or organizations that reflect your values, engaging in communities that share your passions, or simply reaching out to someone whose presence you find invigorating. It may involve difficult decisions, like stepping back from long-standing connections that no longer serve you—or perhaps never did.

Now, I’m not suggesting you stop being a good friend for a minute, especially to someone who’s going through a hard time. I’m simply saying that you must be a friend to yourself before you can be there for anyone else. And this reality might mean setting boundaries with loved ones who sap your energy or bring you down.

Each interaction with a light being is an opportunity to reinforce your values, choose positivity over pessimism, and build a relationship network that creates compounding returns. To flog the metaphor: be sure the light you are drawn to warms and illuminates rather than burns and consumes. People who crave superficial hero worship can take advantage of any errant adoration and discard you when they no longer need you.

Ultimately, the people you surround yourself with should reflect your deepest values. And they should help you hone your practice of virtue.

Indeed, when you have found your light circle, remember that your combined luminescence will draw others. Some of those others will be opportunists, jerks, or otherwise obstruct your aspirations. Yet the other members of your circle might feel differently. For most people, this can be tough. Working at maintaining and drawing new boundaries around your light circle is a good problem compared to languishing among the dim or the dark.

Many people are surrounded by those with outstretched palms who seek to take and not to give—and to avoid compliance.

Did I mention that I have kids?

Seriously, despite their formative natures, kids can be sources of light. And they’ll make you a better person whether you like it or not. Indeed, you have to put up with a lot of frustration and worry. But adults shouldn’t get as much latitude.

Why?

Grown-ups ought to know better.

Please send this to someone who needs it today.